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Closing a Home

Closing out the home of a loved one who has passed means having to reach a balance between “Throw it all away!” and “I want to keep everything!”

If you are the person tasked with this chore, and especially if there are no other relatives or loved ones nearby to help, then this post offers some tips that can help. Following these directions, you should be able to clear a small (two bedroom) home and have it cleaned and ready for a realtor to take over within a week.

Important: Anything written in a will supersedes any decision you might make. If you think Cousin Abby would love to have that antique umbrella stand, but the will says it should go to Uncle Tom—send it to Tom. There may be many other factors, especially financial ones, so be sure to keep in close touch with the person who is in charge of the estate.

Getting started

Where do you stay?

If you came in from out of town, it is best that you actually stay in the house while you are working on it rather than getting a hotel. Even if your own home is just across town, consider spending at least the first night or two here.

Do this first

There is an enormous amount of work involved with this process, so pace yourself! Here are the things to do first:

  • Track down your resources. If you are not from the area, jump online and use your favorite resource to locate the businesses in the area that you will need, such as a grocery store, drug store, shipping place, restaurants, etc. Take the time to write a list of the places, their address and phone numbers, hours of operation, and brief directions. Amassing this information up-front will save you countless trips back to look this up.
  • Gather the details. Locate a few important items and put them where you can easily find them. This includes the deceased’s purse or wallet, his or her latest address book, and important papers such as information about insurance and a will. Also locate any financial records as there will be a period of about six months in which you (or someone else) may need to pay off old debts, cancel memberships, close accounts, etc.
  • Place ads. If you think you are going to want to sell some things, place ads on Craigslist or elsewhere right away—at least for the bigger things. You will regret it if you wait until the last minute to do this. (More in Charity/Sell below.)
  • Select a charity. If you plan to give anything to charity, select one that you think would be meaningful to the deceased. Call them right away and arrange for them to have a truck come to the house to pick things up. Schedule the truck to arrive the day before you leave.
  • Schedule a gathering. If you think you might want to have some of the deceased’s friends and family over to select items to keep, schedule the gathering to occur on one of your last days in the house, and try to invite people at least a few days before the gathering. (More on this in Give-away memorial gathering below.)

Supplies

You will need the following supplies. The amount you will need depends on the size of the home and the amount of stuff you will be going through. Some of this might already be at the house, so do a quick check before going to the store.

  • Shipping supplies. Boxes suitable for shipping, packing tape, labels and marking pens. Also newspaper and other packing material. If there is fine china or other such stuff, you should invest in appropriate shipping supplies from your local shipping or storage store—but you might want to hold off on getting that until later in the process. You might also want to get medium and large photo mailers, manila envelopes, and mailing labels
  • Trash bags. You will invariably need more than you think! We bought two boxes of trash bags when my sister and I closed my mom’s house, but still needed more.
  • Box cutter. You’ll need this for breaking down stuff that goes into the trash.
  • Cleaning supplies. Sponges, rags, a bucket, and the usual cleaners.
  • Sanity aids. You are going to be spending a week in the home of a recently-deceased loved one, working very hard every day and battling strong emotions. Make sure you are well stocked with some of your favorite things to help you relax in the evening. For example, bring a few of your favorite DVDs, get a bottle of your favorite wine, accidentally buy a bag (or two) of M&Ms: whatever you will find as a welcome treat at the end of a long, long day.

Sorting through the stuff

The bulk of this project is sorting through a houseful of stuff and deciding on where it goes.

Privacy

Most of us don’t like to think about someone else going through all the contents of our house. As you go through the house, be aware of the privacy of the deceased. If you have someone on hand to help you, be sure that you handle the bedroom and bathroom yourself. Take care with personal writings, and refrain from telling other relatives about anything particularly personal that you find.

What to do with journals or private writings by the deceased varies depending on many factors. If the deceased was particularly colorful and you have a writer in the family, perhaps a biography is in order—in which case, send the notes to the writer. Otherwise consider packing the writings away, putting them in your attic, and let them be a treasure trove for someone in the next few generations to find.

Another side to all of this is that you don’t want private or identifying information to get out into the wild and end up in the hands of someone who will abuse it. (More on this in The Trash pile below.)

On with the sorting

Start by making four piles, some of which will have sub-piles: (1) Charity/Sell, (2) Keep, (3) Give Away, and (4) Trash.

(1) The Charity/Sell pile

For those items that are too utilitarian to be a meaningful give-away but too nice for the trash, you have the Charity/Sell pile. Heirlooms should stay in the family (put them in the Give Away pile), but the Charity/Sell pile is where you put the furniture, electronics, every-day clothes, much of what is in the kitchen, linens, shoes, etc. You should work on this pile right away, as you’ll need extra time to find these items their new homes.

What to do with this pile:

  • Charity: If you don’t need the money and if there are no relations who could use it, then save yourself some work by giving this stuff to charity. It’s nice to think that the items your loved one no longer needs will contribute to the happiness or ease of someone who could really use it, and in many cases this results in a charity tax write-off for you (or for the estate). Try to select a charity that would be meaningful to the deceased, even if it is not personally meaningful to you.
  • Sell: Especially if there is not much money ion the estate, you might want to sell some larger items that don’t have sentimental value (such as some furniture or a car). Identify these items as early in this process as possible and put ads on Craigslist or use some other online or local resource. The proceeds can defray your costs (for the boxes, bags, trip to the dump, etc.), then any money in excess should probably go to the estate. If you do need to sell anything, the earlier you place those ads the better, so this can be taken care of before it’s time for you to go home. And have a Plan B in place in case it doesn’t sell in time.

I used to have the Charity/Sell pile as the third item on the list, but it’s important to think about it right away so you have the extra time you need to find buyers or arrange for charity pickup.

Just one more thing on this topic: Sometimes even the simplest thing could mean a lot to a loved one. His old worn-our leather wallet might be missed by his grandson, or her old gloves might mean a lot to her niece. When in doubt, put things in the Give Away pile, at least until you’re sure.

(2) The Keep pile

Assuming this is a close relative or another close loved-one, be sure to keep some mementos and heirlooms for yourself: but be realistic about it. A cherished cup and maybe a piece of silver is nice. The entire 30-piece Hummel collection might be going overboard… that said, it’s better to err on the side of keeping things than to get rid of them and then regret it later. The size of this pile will depend on your relation to the deceased and also the dynamics of the family.

What to do with this pile:

  • Carry it: For smaller items, hopefully you came prepared with an extra suitcase so you can carry it home.
  • Mail it: Pack things in boxes and mail it home. This can get expensive. It is best to go to the kind of shipping store that deals with multiple carriers so you have options.
  • Ship it: For larger pieces like furniture, contact a freight company: it is more affordable than you think. You wouldn’t want to do this with a generic couch, but it is definitely reasonable for that piano or antique table that has been in the family for generations.

(3) The Give Away pile

In this pile you will place items that friends and family will find as meaningful reminders of the deceased. Especially nice items that should go to the closest relatives and friends should be segregated into a special part of the pile. Other things that should go in this pile (unless you choose to keep them) are photo albums, beloved books, favorite jackets or bags, quilts and other home-made items, favorite knick-knacks, etc. (More in What to do with photos below.)

What to do with this pile:

  • The nicest stuff: For the part of the pile that is especially nice, make an executive decision about who things should go to or, if you can, check with other family members to see if they have suggestions or if they want them. If you know who the deceased’s best friend was, this would be a good time to call and get their input, as there might be a cadre of friends who would appreciate some of these items. Once you have made these decisions, pack the items in boxes, address them, and pile the boxes in your car to take them to a shipping store the next time you take a break.
  • The rest of the stuff: For everything else, see Give-away memorial gathering below.

Important: Be careful not to throw away or give away special and sentimental items too fast. A completely valid approach is to pack away everything that you think is remotely sentimental and keep them for a few months or a year to sort through later. Once you give it away, whether to a relative or to a charity, you won’t be able to get it back.

(4) The Trash pile

Save yourself from extra work by creating your trash pile directly in trash bags. After all, why make a pile of trash on the floor only to have to transfer it all into bags? The obvious things you would put in the trash includes: most of the contents of the bathroom and kitchen junk-drawer, the stuff in the refrigerator, cleaning rags. The less obvious things are binders of old notes (taking care that none of it is too personal), old cassette tapes or other media that are not currently in use (only if there is no sentimental value), ten-year-old utility bills, etc.

A shorthand way to think of the trash pile is that if it doesn’t go into any of the above piles, then it goes into the trash (and of course, please recycle as much as you can!).

What to do with this pile:

Regular trash and recycling bins: If you are closing a home, then you can fill the trash and recycling bin, but this will almost definitely not be enough room and you will have to resort to one of the options below.

Dumpster: If you are closing an apartment, talk to the apartment manager and ask if it’s okay for you to use their dumpster (you might have to try to talk him/her into it!). If you expect a very large load, call the local sanitation department and arrange for them to bring you a dumpster, but expect to pay for this service, maybe as much as a few hundred dollars.

Hire help: Pile the bags in the driveway or carport then hire someone to haul it to the dump for you.

Give-away memorial gathering

If the deceased had lots of friends and relatives in the area and there are lots of items in your give-away pile, then consider having a gathering to give the stuff away. In order to explain this, I’ll use the example of when my sister and I closed my mother’s house.

The give-away pile from Mom’s house was quite large, because she had an army of teddy bears, quilts, and other things that she had made over the years (which explains the thunmbnail image for this blog post!). She was extremely social and had a large number of friends, so my sister and I devised this way to make sure everyone got to have something.

  1. Armed with her personal address book, we drew up a list of all of Mom’s close friends. (If you only know of one or two of the deceased’s friends, call them and ask for their help with this step.)
  2. After less than two hours of making many brief phone calls, we invited all her friends to a small gathering at Mom’s house for a few hours two days before we were scheduled to go home.
  3. On the day of the gathering, we went to a local grocery store for paper plates, soft drinks, and a cake.
  4. We arranged the entire give-away pile neatly all around Mom’s living room (we were giving the furniture to charity, and the truck was scheduled to arrive the next day).
  5. When Mom’s friends arrived, we sat in the living room snacking and talking about Mom, then after about an hour my sister and I invited everyone to grab a paper bag (from Mom’s stash from uncounted visits to grocery stores) and to take whatever they wanted. We had to coax them not to be shy, and asked them to also take things to give to others of Mom’s friends who were not at the gathering.

Not only did this clean out the give-away pile, but it was a very meaningful way for a large number of Mom’s friends to have an impromptu memorial for Mom and to take a keepsake home with them. Out of everything we did involving Mom’s funeral and memorial activities, I know that this is the thing that would have pleased her the most.

What to do with photos:

Photographs are a special case that deserves attention. As you go through the house, take every photograph you find—whether they are on the wall, in a wallet or drawer, or in a photo album—and put them in one place where they will be out of the way and safe from damage. You will sort the photos in several piles, sending many of them to relatives and keeping many of them yourself.

If you have the time and emotional bandwidth, this is a nice project to work on in the evening when you’re recuperating for the hard work you’ve done all day. Get a glass of wine, put your favorite music on the stereo, and start sorting! However this project can also easily wait for another time. If you want to put it off, just pack all the photos in a box and ship them home.

To sort the pictures, make a pile for each sibling or close family member, dividing the photos by who the main subject is or by which individual would cherish the photo the most. For group photos, one approach is to put those in a separate pile, then when you are finished, evenly distribute them among the piles. Another approach is to give a group photo to the person who would be most interested in it: for example, if the photo was taken at John’s graduation, then give the photo to John.

For particularly special photo that everyone would enjoy, find a service to duplicate it so you can send copies to everyone on your list.

The final cleaning

Once all the hauling, giving-away, and shipping is done, you should be left with an empty house. You also by now will be pretty nearly exhausted.

The final step is to clean the house and meet with a realtor. Save yourself (and your aching back and feet) some misery and call a local maid service to do the cleaning for you. It should cost a few hundred dollars, and the result will have much more sparkle than you would have achieved yourself. (This is one of the costs that you should be able to justifiably take out of any money brought in from selling things.)

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Here’s a photo of just part of the collection of teddy bears and other treasures that my sister and I included in our Give-away Memorial Gathering when clearing out my Mom’s house in late 2001. And here’s a story from that week.